I recently went through years of poems I’d written across different platforms. Most of them were handwritten in journals; some were online. This is one I unearthed from an old blog, a touch of editing.
A lot of things are opening up for me through clothes free life. There are many secrets, passions, identities and convictions I had stuffed away and abandoned for a variety of reasons over time. I was feeling the weight of that departure here, the need to go back and uncover who I really am, and, yet complete fear around doing so. Now that I am clothes free, little by little, piece by piece, I’m returning, blowing off the dust of me, removing the layers and unearthing my naked and authentic self again.
Draw in, go deep into the ground
The stairs of me down wrap around
Smelling dampness of the soul
Recognizing years of mold
I see so many sides of me
Stranger, friend and enemy
Faced filled with pain and fright
Of things I’d buried with all my might
Secrets stuffed away in shame
Hiding parts of me so lame
Smiling puppet I became
Hiding all forgotten pain
Descending slow the stairs of soul
Experiences now stiff and cold
I knock on walls of guarded heart
Afraid I’ll rip myself apart
Far into the cave I walk
To all my selves I long to talk
Spirit’s doors are shut so tight
Spirit’s walls the hue of night
Dampness of my silent tears
For failures all throughout the years
Waters pouring from their eyes
Their pain an image in my mind
Changing yet unchanging still
Growing and yet falling ill
Fungus of the past inside
Wish I could, in hills, go hide
Broken and still breaking more
-hontouniheart from February 18, 2011
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