I have always had a hate relationship with clothes and I think it stems from being self-conscious about my body when I was younger. I always thought I was fat even though I wasn’t. When I got to high school and joined the dance team, I lost a lot of weight, but I still was not comfortable. I grew up where what you wore defined who you were as a person. Everything had to be name brand, matched and the latest style. I felt like no matter what I wore, I never fit in.
In my first year of college, I wore as little clothing as possible not because I wanted to be clothes free, but because I was seeking a certain type of male attention. I later found out that no matter what I wore, I would get the same attention. My college years involved a lot of soul-searching and self-discovery that did not reveal itself until a couple of years ago.
I have always hated standing in my closet searching for something to wear and figuring out if I would get praised or ridiculed. High school was rough when it came to that and when I started working, it became more of a struggle, especially if I was trying to impress a male coworker or show up a female one. When I started working in retail in 2011, I lost interest in what I wore. I was around clothes for two and a half years and I couldn’t stand the sig hr of them. Why do people care so much more about what they put on their body instead of their real body? People spent endless amounts of money on clothes and I was so confused.
Something I have always done was sleep clothes free. Sleeping in clothes is the most uncomfortable thing ever and I don’t see how people can do it. That is probably why I can’t take cat naps in my car, at work or sleep when the kids are at music, computer or PE. I sleep much better with no clothes and I feel like my body rejuvenates better.
Because I live with my mom, I can’t be clothes free outside of my room and the den where I practice my yoga. Given that I came out of her vagina, I feel that there should be no barriers. I mean it gets no more personal than that, but seeing how many African Americans have been Europeanized and grown accustom to certain things, she doesn’t see it as acceptable. I don’t even know how to bring it up to her. We haven’t always had the best or closest relationship, but I think until I move out, I’ll keep it to those two places.
This is more for the ladies, but I hate wearing bras. I always have and it’s mainly because I have large breasts. Every few months I used to get fitted for a bra and it was always something different. Finally, I went to a store in the Houston Galleria and it was a European lingerie store. I got fitted and found a bra that fit perfectly. The only problem was, it was a few hundred dollars for one bra. I was floored. I felt it was ridiculous to pay so much for something that I would only wear a few hours out of the day. Then there was the underwear.
I used to be an addict to Victoria’s Secret underwear, more specifically their Pink brand. My issues with that were the sizes were geared more towards the body of a Caucasian woman. An extra-large did not fit like an extra-large should. I settled with underwear from Walmart but no matter what kind of material, underwear have always given me irritated skin, among other issues. About a year and half ago I stopped wearing them all together. Only time I wear them is that time of the month.
So, why clothes free now?
Well, over the past couple of years, I have grown to love my body and the skin I’m in. I love my curves, love handles, and stretch marks, along with every other imperfection. My flaws show where I’ve been and how far I have come. When I practice yoga in clothes, I feel like I am not aware of my body or my position and posture. Wearing clothes 24/7 is draining and makes me feel depressed. Yes, clothes make me feel depressed because I am a very open person, and clothes make me feel like I’m hiding a part of me, the most beautiful part of me; my body.
Growing up looking in magazines at models and actresses being skinny and fit, it made me feel self-conscious. Now, with all of these full-figured women, curvy and beautiful and accepted, it has made me realize that I am beautiful and so is my body. People will still judge me, no matter what I wear. I will always be curvy and full-figured and I’m okay with that. I’m healthy, happy and grateful for all of my experiences and how they have made me who I am.
Last thing, being clothes free and blogging, has been the reason I have produced so much new, great content. I have seen an increase in post views and am driving more traffic. I believe that because I have a new-found confidence in myself, it shows through my writing.